You will win.
There is no draw. There are no odds. There is no chance of any kind involved, and there never has been. Everybody wins, every single time, and the prize is nothing.
What you are buying
For $3.00 you receive one Certificate of Winning: a serial-numbered PDF, issued in a name of your choosing, delivered as an immediate download.
That is the entire product. There is no second part.
The prize is nothing.
Not money. Not store credit. Not points, a coupon, a discount, a token, or entry into anything that might pay out later. Nothing is awarded, nothing is redeemable, and nothing arrives in the post.
You know all of this before you pay, because it is written here, in full size, above the button.
Refundable in full for thirty days. No reason required, and none will be asked for.
The math
- Odds of winning
- 1 in 1
- House edge
- 100%
- Total ever paid out
- $0.00
Every gambling operation on earth knows this number about itself. Most of them file it with a regulator, in a document formatted to be unreadable, and then spend the marketing budget on the one customer in forty thousand who beat it.
We have printed ours on the door. It is the highest house edge legally achievable and it is achieved honestly: we take the money and hand you a document that says we took the money.
The certificate
It is a real file. Letter-sized, bordered, set in Helvetica, with your name in the middle of it and a serial number in the corner. It states the odds, the amount you paid, the amount you won, and the fact that it is redeemable for nothing.
It will still open in twenty years. Someone will find it in a folder and have to work out what happened.
The ledger
Every winner is listed publicly, by the name they chose, with their serial number and the date they won. The running total of money won by all of them, together, since the beginning, is $0.00.
Read the ledger — it is not short.
Questions
- Is this gambling?
- No. Gambling is three things at once: you pay something, chance decides, and a prize is awarded. Take away any one and it stops being gambling. Here two are missing. Nothing is decided by chance — you win, always, by design — and no prize is awarded, because the prize is nothing. What remains is a payment in exchange for a document, which is shopping.
- So I really get nothing?
- You get the certificate, and the certificate is real. Beyond the certificate: nothing. That is not a technicality, it is the product description.
- Can I buy more than one?
- Yes. You will win again. The prize will be the same. Some people are collecting consecutive serial numbers, which we find difficult to argue with.
- What's the catch?
- A catch is a term you discover afterwards. Everything about this transaction is on this page, above the button, in the same size type as everything else.
- Can I put someone else's name on it?
- Yes, and a surprising number of people do. We would gently suggest that receiving a certificate confirming you have won nothing is funnier when unexplained.
- Why would anyone do this?
- Some people want the certificate. Some people want their name on the ledger. Some people wanted to find out whether the button was real. It is real. That is usually the answer.
- How do I get a refund?
- Email [email protected] within thirty days with your serial number. You will get your money back and no follow-up questions. Your certificate is then voided and appears on the ledger marked VOID, which a number of people have decided they prefer.
- Is this a joke?
- The certificate isn't. The payment isn't. The refund policy isn't. The rest is up to you.